We're gonna have to cry it out.
My kid's sleep habits are crap. When she goes down for a nap in her crib, she will reliably wake up 15-20 minutes later, roll over and start screaming. It's a guarantee that didn't get enough sleep, but when she wakes up she is pissed off and won't go back to sleep no matter what I do. Then we all end up paying for it in the form of CrankyBaby(tm) for the rest of the day. In contrast, if I have her in her sling, or in the carseat, she'll sleep for an hour or more and wake up happy. Having her nap in the sling was not a problem when she weighed 8 pounds. Now, at 20+ pounds, I cannot have her in the sling for every nap, nor can I take 90 minute drives twice a day every day. As a result, she's getting horrible naps - and I'm not even going to talk about bedtime, lest I start to go in to convulsions. I am a firm believer in the fact that sleep is very, very important - for my child and her brain development and overall happiness level, and secondly, for me and my ability to function as a new mom. Suffice it to say, my child is getting far, far less sleep than a child her age needs; far less than this family needs.
Basically, what I'm doing is not working.
People have a lot of Opinions on sleep training, or "crying it out", with babies. These opinions range from "it's child abuse" to "it's the only way". I don't really hold a strong opinion on it, especially when it comes to other people's choices, being a subscriber to the theory of "whatever works best for your family, is the best thing to do".
But if I'm being honest, I will admit that the thought of it has left me nervous and pokey for a while. It goes against my natural instinct as a mother, to not pick up and comfort my child at all times. Adding to the voices in my head that are debating this is the fact that those who are against sleep training are very, very against it. They march out studies about how it's just very very bad to do it to your kid, to let them lay in their bed and scream in an attempt to make them sleep. It does seem rather counterintuitive, I suppose; crying and sleeping are mutually exclusive. But when I read what people write on the internet about attitudes towards CIO, it seems that they always pull out the extremes: that CIO is done in an attempt to show your child who's boss, and that sleep training involves ditching baby in the crib to scream until they puke every night while the parents sit on the couch and eat bonbons and watch Melrose place. And for every person I've spoken to who actually "cried it out", this wasn't the reality. There have always been degrees of what each individual parent's line was; whether they picked the child up when crying changed from "tired and pissed off" to "something is very wrong here and I need you right now"; whether they sat outside the room or beside the crib or downstairs; whether they checked every 30 seconds or 5 minutes.
But the common refrain in people who sleep train?
Their kid starts to sleep.
And more often than not, with the people I've spoken to, the babies learn to sleep within a few nights. Not months or weeks. Within a few days, the baby sleeps through the night. And they wake up rested. And they take naps without fussing.
Ultimately, there is only one reason to do this: My kid needs more, better, sleep. What we're doing needs to be changed. I need to change her habits. I need her to realize that she can fall asleep in her own bed and not be rocked to sleep or have me right beside her. I've tried gentle methods. They don't work. So, some night soon, I will be going in to her room, and reading her stories, and then putting her in her crib and sitting beside her for - an hour? Two hours? Four hours? Until she puts her head down and goes to sleep. I'll rub her back and I'll soothe her, but what I can't do is pick her up and rock her to sleep, like I love doing, like I've done every night of her little life. Because if I do that, it will perpetuate the cycle and she will wake up 15, 20, 30 minutes later and scream for me to come back and rock her again, when what she should do is wake up, roll over, and go back to sleep, sleep she so desperately needs.
But I do know one thing:
This is going to suck.
18 things to say:
It IS going to suck, but it will all be worth it! Though if it's not working for her - you'll know. We tried with Wil when he was a baby and it wasn't for him At. All. (Once he hit about 2 we did sleep training again and it worked wonderfully!) With James it only took two days for him to start going to sleep faster.
One bit of advice I will give - make your "rules" and stick to them! Consistency is key. With us, we didn't pay as much attention to the check-in times with Wil (I blame sleep deprivation) and I think that's part of the reason it didn't work for him.
We loved "The Sleepeasy Solution" if you don't have a book already.
Good luck. I was in the same boat as you 2 months ago - my son would take a few naps of 20 minutes during the day and be up crying 8 or more times at night. We were originally dead-set against CIO after reading many parenting books and research but eventually realized that our gentle methods and constant picking him up at the first fuss just weren't working for him and so it was time for a change. Our pediatrician bolstered us by saying that if we felt in our hearts that our efforts had been true and well-intentioned and we had tried them until the point when we knew it just wasn't working for our son, that a few nights of letting him be more independent and fall asleep on his crib (with us beside him at first, although not holding him) was a reasonable approach to try - it was so much more about convincing ourselves than anyone else.
2 hard nights later of sitting beside an unhappy baby in his crib he got the hang of it. Now, at 9 months, he sleeps 12 hours per night (with only occasionally 1 wakeup) and has 2 naps per day of at least an hour. Best of all, he enjoys nap/bedtime and sighs with contentment when we put him in his crib - it is a different world for the whole family. He is so much happier and I feel better knowing that, after trying so many methods, we have found one that works for him and has helped him to have happier, more inquisitive, and energy-filled days.
I wish you luck and hope that the Sleep Fairy visits your house, soon!
Oh, and after reading dozens of parenting/sleep books, the one that really resonated with us was Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth. He is a pediatrician who has established several sleep clinics and pediatric units for children in the US. We felt that his credentials and experience were trustworthy and made his book easier to read. Also alot of helpful information about how much sleep children need at different ages, how a history of colic can effect sleep habits, what bed/nap/wake-up times children of different ages generally follow, etc.
I'm sorry that you feel like you're at the end of your rope. I have had days where I've driven to Orleans and back just to make any one of my kids nap.
I tried CIO with #1 and it ended up just breaking my heart and I gave in. Frequently I ended up putting her in jammies and the sling and vaccuming all 3 levels of our townhouse to make sure she was really out.
#2 would only fall asleep after 11pm and usually /on/ someone, and was a frequent waker if she noticed she was alone.
#3 .. toddles around until 1030 (sometimes howly) and will eventually pull up into my lap and want to nurse, so we go upstairs for "twinkle twinkle time" and sing and nurse and I lie down with him, but we also have a crib attached to our bed as a co-sleeper, so it's easier for me to slip away un-noticed once he's asleep, and also easier on the middle of the night stuff most nights. Usually if he's in between DH and I he'll go back to sleep.
Do you have a lovie for her? a bunny or a blanket or something? This seemed to make it easier for all of mine to fall /back/ to sleep on waking.
Most importantly - I hope it gets better, and I hope you get some sleep. Everything is harder when you're sleep deprived.
Ok we're newer parents than you, so I don't have some reassuring story to share. And I'm sure you've done way more reading on this than I have (Amy may have done more, it's hard to say, that's sort of her style) so I can't point to any research that backs up anything I might say.
Fun fact, I just noticed Amy is writing a comment at this exact moment too. So this is now kind of a race.
But one thing that helped Amy and I through the breast/bottle debate might help you too.
Babies have been left to cry it out. Lots of 'em. And while I don't know the numbers, I'm gonna say with some level of confidence that, like, 99% didn't grow up to be serial killers or sociopaths or whatever.
There are A LOT of decisions we have to make as parents and a lot of them fucking suck. But I'm pretty sure that as long as you continue to love your baby and raise her right, a few nights of bawling probably won't mess her up.
My mom tells me that when I was a baby it seemed as though I just had excess energy and needed to cry it out before I could fall asleep. I don't remember it, I still have a great relationship with my mom, and I think I'm a pretty rockin' person with only minor personality quirks.
Best of luck, and hopefully it won't be too long before you know for sure you're doing the right thing.
@tamara - you know, I think you've nailed it. This technique works for some babies - in fact I'll go as far as to say that some babies need it. They need to go to sleep on their own, and after sleep training they become excellent sleepers and are happier overall. For other babies, it doesn't work at all and is exactly the wrong thing. As with any parenting technique it depends on the individual baby and family.
Re consistency - one tip from a friend I got that I think is super valuable is that if you're going to do it, do it. Don't give up halfway through, otherwise you've made baby unhappy for nothing. Sound advice.
@anonymous - it's stories like yours that really turned the tide for me. She is just not happy. She's not well rested. It's hurting her to have the sleep habits she has. It's going to suck to change her habits, but if it works it's going to make a world of difference. I do have Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and I need to read it - which is hard to do with a kid who doesn't sleep. ;)
@rae - here's the thing. I can take it. If it was just me, I'd suck it up for years if I had to. But I truly believe that she is suffering because of her poor sleep. I mean - she actually gets bags under her eyes. At 7 months old. It breaks my heart and I know this isn't good for her. That's why I need to change this, ultimately. Ugh agh.
@joe - yep, you're right. Tons of babies have lived through this. Here's one thing I tell myself: She's gonna need therapy at some point no matter what I do (ha). All I can do is try to do what I think is ultimately best for her. And right now? Sleep is what she needs.
@amy - you know what's funny? Even if I rock her to sleep, she screams. This is one thing that bolsters me on this: She'd be crying in my arms or out of them. She hates going to sleep for some reason. So it's not like anyone can make the argument that 'leaving' her to cry is damaging her, because she'd be screaming anyway.
It's such a hard decision and an even harder thing to do. We resorted to CIO for our oldest as a last resort. It was so worth it -- as others have told you, he started sleeping so much better, on his own, within a few days. However, it was also so very hard.
In fact, we tried CIO three times -- the first two times we couldn't stand it and caved.
Good luck, and whatever happens, you're a great mom doing a great job!
Sleep issues suck, period.
Waking up eleventy billion times a night and rocking J to sleep sucked. Sleep training sucked. Laying with him to get him to sleep sucked. Meh, it all sucked, I just had to decide what sucked more and decided to do less of that.
We sleep trained late because we decided that we could deal with rocking him to sleep. When that became unbearable it was time to move on.
Do whatever sucks less. That`s my motto ;)
You've obviously made up your mind about this issue, so I'm not going to roll out the arguments you've probably already read about why it wasn't right for our family.
But I did want to address one comment in your post. You said that the common refrain from people who sleep train is that their kid starts to sleep. I don't think that is entirely accurate. I know you read Catherine (herbadmother)'s blog, so you probably know that they tried cry it out with Jasper and it didn't work. I could roll out numerous other posts, comments, etc. of parents saying the same thing. Either it didn't work at all (the screaming just escalated) or it "worked", but they had to start it all over again every time something changed (new milestone, new house/hotel/bed, new tooth, after being sick, etc.).
So certainly do what works best for your family, but do know that the baby doesn't always sleep.
@Lynn - that's the goal. Better sleep. For her.
@K+S+J - Yes. A thousand times yes, with the "whatever sucks less". You know how in my post I didn't mention bedtime? Yeah. Bedtime sucks. It's laughable. It can't even be called bedtime with a straight face. And here's the thing: The amount she cries now when I'm trying to be kind to her is probably *more* than she will cry trying to sleep train her.
@annie - yeah, we're painfully aware it doesn't always work. But what we're doing now isn't working either. She needs more sleep, and I need to get her to get that sleep, so I'm willing to give it a shot, knowing that it does work for many babies, and within a few days. It's the sight of that goal that gives me the strength to do this. I mean.. you should see the bags under her eyes. It's heartbreaking. And I am absolutely certain that the lack of sleep is worse for her in every single way than crying for a few hours will be.
Reading your post has me twitching with PTSD from my first born. He is 8 years old and the memories of his first year of life are still so vivid. He was a 15 minute napper and it was so hard on me and on him.
We finally caved and used CIO when he was 10 months old. It was hard but it worked. It took 3 nights of crying and then it worked. But I will agree with Annie that it can be easily derailed. When D was 14 months old he got a terribly high fever that lasted for 3 days. We were worried about him and had him sleep with us so we could keep a close eye on him. That was all it took to ruin it all. By then he had developed some language skills and I just couldn't cope with him screaming "MOMMY" and the worse was when he would scream out "DADDY!" my husband couldn't stand it and would rush to him. He is 8 now and sleeps like a champ (but is still an early riser, unlike his parents). Best wishes, I am sure it will work.
I just wanted to leave a comment in a similar vein to what others have said. I totally agree with you that babies need sleep to develop properly. But at the same time, it's ok to listen to your motherly instincts. We tried the whole let them cry then go in an pat their belly and leave again technique. I might as well have been stabbing my daughter with a hot poker then running out of the room laughing. For my daughter, patting her on the stomach and then leaving just made things a million times worse.
So, I would let her cry for 5 minutes, then go in, pick her up, rock her, nurse her, do whatever I needed to do to calm her down. When she was calm again, I would set her down again let her cry for 5 minutes, and so on. I would only let her cry three times and if she wasn't asleep by then I knew she was too tired and worked up to sleep on her own, so I would hold her and rock her for the entire nap.
Ferber might disagree with me but you know what? It only took about two weeks and now she takes two at least hour long naps per day, and she sleeps 10 hours at night with one wakeup (she's six months old). Most days I can now just lay her in her crib and leave, and she'll sooth herself to sleep. Sometimes she still needs to be rocked to sleep, and you know what? That's ok too. Adults don't always fall asleep without some help (reading a book, watching some tv, etc) so why would we think a baby could always do it?
So my point is, listen to your baby and listen to yourself. If you deviate from "the rules" that's ok. We're all in it for the same goals - a happy healthy baby. Good luck!
Hope things are going well. I just read a few different blogs on CIO. Just wanted to say to you that striving to find the most compassionate and caring way to help your baby learn critical skills (like getting enough sleep) IS great parenting. Cold-turkey CIO with a weeks-old infant is not the same as helping your daughter try to settle herself after 7 months of sleep deprivation. Trust that you and she will work together to find what will be the best for her health and happiness in the long run. Your mommy instincts will know if it is working for her or not.
Oh I so feel for you, because I've been there many times over (well, 3 exactly, but really feels like an exponential 9). Our kids' (triplets) sleep issues left us bleary eyed and truth be told, on the verge of divorce some days. We read tons of books, tried tons of different approaches, felt guilty days and nights on end. Our salvation came late but - I wish I'd known about her from the minute my kids were born! When the kids were about 9 months old, someone told us about this baby sleep consultant they had hired recently. I was desperate when I emailed her. She was a godsend. She helped us sift through all of the methods, our feelings of guilt and helped us develop a sleep plan that was right for our family. She coached us daily on implementing the plan for a couple of weeks. We even went back to her for some more coaching when we hit a few bumps in the road a couple of months later. Best couple of hundred dollars we've ever spent. Seriously. Dawnn's web site if you're interested: http://www.cheekychops.ca/
Natalie (used to be ecomama.ca)
You said it best: whatever works for you. Whatever you are comfortable with.
I forget how old your baby is. My doctor (who I respect, in this area, as a level-headed adult more than a medical professional) told me that before about 6 months babies' brains aren't really developed enough to learn from sleep training. But after that time, for me, anyway, it was game on!
I would much rather deal with 20 minutes of crying from a 7-month old than hours and hours of it from an 18 month old, or older.
And for my kids, Ferber didn't work. If I went in to soothe them after 10 minutes, the whole thing started from zero - yuck. We had to go cold turkey, and within about 3 days, they were going to bed easily at the end of our little routine.
But you know, some parents are really okay with co-sleeping, or with rocking and cuddling until their baby/toddler/pre-schooler falls asleep. And as long as they don't complain about it, it's all good.
You'll know the right path for you. Good luck :)
We tried CIO with the Boy numerous times, it never worked in spite of following he rules. What did work though was not leaping at the first cry, really making sure he was awake.
Either way, this too shall pass... (and I wouldn't worry to much about brain development). Most of us survived, relatively intat.
@kootnygirl: I believe in soothing my kids until they don't need it any more AND I reserve the right to complain about it too. ;)
I don't think that choosing a particular route means that I have to like it all of the time.
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