Things That Would Make My Life A Hell Of A Lot Easier Right About Now

1. A housekeeper. Oh wait, we had one of those. Actually we've had a few of those, and after a few months they tend to just... poof! Disappear in to thin air, refuse to return our calls and never show up again. It's like they come work for us then fall into the Disappearing Housekeeper Vortex.
   
2. Failing item #1, I'd like the ability to vacuum the dog directly as opposed to following the pattern of allowing the dog to shed the hair all over the freaking house and then having to vacuum it up over a roughly 1500 square foot space. Surely you'd think the dog would see the logic of this. But nooooo, he just runs away. Jerk.
   
3. Laundry that would just fold itself already.
4. Food that would just cook itself already.
   
5. Dishes that would..... you get the point.
   
6. The ability to make my husband wear the belly for a while. Not often. Just occasionally. Like at 3 am when I have to roll over. Have you ever seen a pregnant lady roll over? Picture a blue whale on a beach. Dying. Rolling over in agony, the flesh rolling in thunderous, gravity-laden waves. Put flannel pyjamas on the whale and you've pretty much got it.
   
7. Solid date/time bookings for the following inevitable events to allow me to plan better:

• The commencement of labour
• The birth of my child
• The first time I lose it on someone who is being singularly unhelpful postpartum (ie. the first nurse who tells me I need to give the baby formula, or the first person to speak for my child in a goofy baby voice to passive aggressively criticize my parenting, eg. "She says, 'Mommy I'm cold!'" No, she doesn't. And shut up.)

I really don't think the above is too much to ask.