I'm only a hero because I'm a chicken
37 weeks. Kid's head is down, I weigh 180 lbs and my feet look like those plastic-wrapped rolls of hay you see in farmers' fields in the fall - white, enormous and puffy. Sexy like an isotope scandal, baby.
And yet, today is the first day where I actually thought, you know, I could stand to have this pregnancy over and done with, thanks.
Generally, aside from the hormones and the minor blood-related freakouts, I've enjoyed pregnancy. I wasn't particularly pukey in T1. My hips ache, but I can live with it. I'd say about 75% of the time, I feel totally normal - unless I'm trying to turn around too quickly and the centrifugal force of the spinning belly knocks me off my feet or something.
But today? Today I feel a little bit like saying yeah, I'm kind of over this.
Because today, I'm tired.
And it's for one reason: A half finished conversation.
Yesterday at my OB appointment, I made another reference to the fact that I am not interested in routine intervention. Keep your pitocin and cervidil and fetal monitors and epidurals and water breaking to yourself, folks, at least until I'm ready to hear it. And my doctor said:
I'll be honest - in my experience most people do end up with some kind of pain relief. Just know that if you get it, you're not a failure.
And when I answered, I didn't answer the way I wanted to answer. I said something about being prepared for anything in labour, and I know that what will happen will happen, and my goal is to simply have us both healthy in the end.
But my answer bugged. Because his statement bugged. And when I woke up at 2 am, I couldn't help but replay the conversation over and over in my mind. Because I think he has made a false assumption. And it's a false assumption many make.
People assume that if you say you want to go intervention free, it's because you're natural and crunchy and want to do it as a life accomplishment. Like you're rejecting modern medicine entirely by saying you don't want intervention.
Let me set the record straight: I'm not trying to go for some Natural Childbirth Badge of Honor. I don't believe my choice to try to go intervention-free will make me better or worse than anybody else. I'm not doing this as a life achievement, as a Birth Experience that I've idealized somehow and that I will be heartbroken to not have materialize. I'm not going into this with some I am woman, hear me roar mentality. Frankly, and trust me on this, there's a very large part of me that's cackling loudly at my thought of going med-free and saying bitch, you CRAZY.
My motives are far simpler. I'm doing this because I'm a zero-risk chickenshit.
If I knew there were no trade-offs involved in getting an epidural, I'd be asking for one the moment I went in to labour. Numb the pain, are you kidding me? Hook a sister up! I'd love to do an entirely pain-free delivery.
But my mind knows that as soon as I get that spinal injection, my odds of having a c-section will go up. My odds of having fetal distress go up. My odds of labour being slowed or even arrested, precipitating the need for further medication, go up. And not by a little bit.
And I'm just not a gambler.
I'm not planning this to be heroic. Didn't you see above? I'm a chickenshit. First one to admit it. I'm planning this because I'd rather do 12 hours of non-medicated labour than 24 hours of medicated. I want to stay on my feet not to be a masochist but because gravity helps. It just seems innately logical to me that my uterus will work better trying to push a baby down than it will trying to push a baby horizontally across a bed - which is where I'd be confined with the meds.
I'm planning this because I don't really want a c-section, and I don't really want to do anything that's going to increase my odds of having one.
Dealing with the pain is the lesser of two evils, in my book.
Don't get me wrong: If I'm in labour for ages and things aren't progressing and I'm exhausted and the pain is overwhelming and things start to look sketchy, I'm not gonna be a hero. I'll get the meds when I feel I need them, and I will look at them for what they are: Tools that help in certain situations but that have trade-offs, trade-offs which at that point of labour I will be willing to accept.
But no matter when or if or how I get the meds, there's no world in which I will ever consider myself a failure. And I wish I had cleared the misconception up simply by saying that.
Failure? No way. I mean, shit. I made a person. What'd you do today?
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15 things to say:
I love this post. It is great to see people recognizing the risks of interventions as just that, risks. I did have an epidural for my first birth and while it didn't have any major medical consequences (thankfully) it was an uncomfortable and difficult experience that I think would have been easier if I had had control over my body instead of lying on a bed hooked up to machines just waiting for things to happen.
In case any of it is of use to you in putting in words what you want, here is a post where I wrote about and included a copy of my birth plan:
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/09/14/birth-plan-yes-or-no/
I find that having it in writing makes it easier to stand your ground and not worry about finding the right words to react to difficult medical professionals. Somehow they also seem to take it more seriously when you write it down (i.e. it isn't just a fleeting remark you are making, you really do mean it).
Writing too fast...meant to say that the birth plan was for my second birth, which I was much more prepared for, which was much easier, and which I did naturally.
Ummm can I just say I love you. And you seem to have invaded my brain. Although I'm more comfortable (at the moment) cosying up to pain relief (I'm strangely excited about gas & air!) I'm not as keen as I used to be that I want all medicine all the time. I'm also not planning for it to go either way - because I know me enough to know I'll be devestated if I have my heart set on something and don't get it. And managing my expectations are just as important as managing my pain.
I totally get what you are saying. I felt the same way with both my deliveries and I plan to follow the same philosophy with my 3rd. With both my labours I walked, paced, sat on a birthing ball through them. They both ended differently, with interventions that I didn't initially want, but became necessary and I am okay with how things went.
I delivered my 1st son at the Civic and they honoured my birth plan to the letter (until my OB convinced me to get an Epidural, but it was the right choice at the time).
My second was to be a home birth until we discovered (while I was in labour) that he was breach (AAACK) and rushed to the civic for a C (which I didn't want but hey, delivering a feet first baby isn't a good option either).
This time it will be hospital and I will go at it again. Same plan. It will be interesting to see how things end up.
Good luck, I hope it all goes well. I've done all three -- epidural, natural, and c-section -- and they all resulted in a beautiful baby. I like to focus on the happy endings!
That said, the natural birth was my favourite -- it was the easiest for the baby and quickest recovery for us both. If you go for the epidural, don't feel bad!, but if you do make it through, it'll be worth it.
I find it strange that an OB used the word "failure". Maybe they need to read this post?
I wish I had known about the risks when I had my first baby (and my epi, and subsequent pitocin).
It might not have changed my mind, but I would have like to know. Funny, I thought I was pretty educated about it all at the time, but it turns out I wasnt.
In the end, all is fine, and my epi/pit baby is a happy & healthy 6 year old. Her 'natural' sister is just as happy & healthy, at 4.
Good luck. Do it the way that works for you.
Annie - thanks for the link to your birth plan, I may steal some of that. With regards to the risk thing - it's one of those things. People are so sensitive to any commentary or perceived criticism about their childbirthing choices that having an open conversation about the real risks of anything turns hurtful pretty quickly. There's also the whole attitude of "oh, you just wait til you get there", where people think that your little "plan" of going med free will go out the window as soon as you hit a "real" contraction. Sigh.
Emily - so far, the best expectation I can set for myself is no expectations. We've set ground rules - if anyone suggests intervention we'll ask for them to leave the room for 5 minutes while we discuss it, that sort of thing - but I'm fully prepared for this to go any which way, really. Good luck either way!
Chantal - I totally hear you. There's what you'd "like" to have happen in an ideal situation, and what "can" happen in the actual reality, and being ready to roll with both is key for me. Good luck with labour #3!
Lynn - thanks for the good wishes!
Lala - I don't think it's strange, but his use of the word definitely leads me to believe that he is thinking that I'm doing it for very different reasons than I actually am, KWIM? For the record, I do know people who consider themselves or their bodies or their caregivers or even, in extreme cases, their babies to have failed if they didn't get the childbirth experience they had envisioned. It's horrible to see. How can making a person be considered a failure in any respect?
Anonymous - yeah, it's something that people tend to not want to hear about (the risks). For obvious reasons, of course - nobody wants to think they're taking an unnecessary risk during childbirth at all, kwim?
This is a great post.
I do plan to have the epidural (and whatever else they want to throw at me) because I feel pretty strongly that I would eventually want it, so I'm just going in resigned to it.
However! If I DID decide to go natural, it would be because of the reasons you mentioned. I wouldn't be out to prove something, I would be (potentially) avoiding medically induced complications.
I tell you, it's hard not to feel like a chicken either way.
Good for you! It's so refreshing to see a woman actually be informed in her childbirth experience. I cannot stand those women who say, "I'll do whatever my doctor says, I trust him!" Yeah, because he's really got your best interest at heart when he's had a long day and he just wants to go home. Not his baby, not his body, what does he care? Just remember to be strong and speak your mind. There is NO other branch of medicine where they desires of the patient are so regularly ignored.
PS I'm "only" 30 weeks and I'm 180 pounds already, so luck you!
Hey it was great to meet you last night. Hopefully we can chat more at the next blog meet up!:)
I don't have any children but giving birth always sounded like such a huge ordeal to me, I never understood why women went without pain medication while they were in labor. Now I know. Its weird how many people don't seem to mention the risks involved in epidurals.
P.S. Here is some info (Direct from XUP and Knitnut) for the next "Bloggers Breakfast" in case you and anyone else in the area is interested:
As per the "first Saturday of every other month" schedule, the next Ottawa Blogger's Breakfast is set for Saturday, July 4.
So, anyone who is available, just show up at the Fox and Feather (http://www.foxandfeather.ca/) at 283 Elgin Street around 10:45.
If you can't make it this time, here are the dates for the next few (if we can maintain momentum that long).
Saturday, September 5th
Saturday, November 7th
i liked the way you said this.
i've had three epidurals. i've also had three high-risk, complicated deliveries, so as i decided after the first, no point beating myself up for whatever gets me through. but the interventions, each time, have definitely come with costs, or at least side effects. the second time, particularly, the epi came late enough in the game and was such a high dose that i couldn't push to save myself and got an absolutely unwanted episiotomy that then tore stem to stern with longterm effects. however, i ended up in the OR shortly after getting the placenta removed so the epi did actually save me from general anaesthetic, in the end. the third time i was lucky to have an OB who was very willing to work with me to try to make the experience as positive as possible, but she was the only one out of three who did.
labour is another country, one you can't really imagine before OR after...but being as aware as you are should be an incredible advantage in facing whatever comes and advocating for what you feel best about at the time.
i wish you a safe, joyous delivery.
Yay, you're almost there! Best of luck with everything. All I know is usually what you think is going to happen isn't what happens. At least in my two experiences.
And you're so much more sophisticated up their with your "u" in labour. :)
I wish you the very best possible birth ever. Many of the moms I meet and work with (and there have been thousands to date) aren't as realistic about their pending first birth (and it is always different when you haven't done it before) as you are.
I personally loved feeling my body give birth to another living, breathing human being and knowing that I did it all myself. That's just me. I hope your birth unfolds in the way you dream and that you learn something new and wonderful about yourself in the process.
I write a lot about birth, if you're interested: http://blog.babyREADY.ca/
Again, have a great birth!
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