1. After a certain point in your pregnancy, there will become present an overwhelming knowledge that you are never alone. Ever. In the middle of that important strategic meeting, that is exactly when the baby will decide to see if his foot still fits between your ribs. When you are loudly cursing out that idiot who just cut you off on the highway, you will suddenly feel an elbow worming its way into your diaphragm. And let's not talk about what happens when you try to have sex. Your life is no longer your own, and you just hope that those nasty things you said weren't embedded on any delicate evolving fetal neuron. Because you don't want your baby's first words to be "Motherfucking jackass, get off the goddamn road!" Although, that would be kind of funny.
2. Yellow Tums taste delicious. Red Tums, bizarrely, do not. Peppermint Rolaids, however, work best when you wake up at 3 in the morning after a dream that you had swallowed battery acid and were dying a painful, burny death.
3. The way you have been putting your socks and underwear on for your entire life, ever since you have been putting on socks and underwear in fact, is no longer adequate. Pulling your knee up to your chest will no longer be feasible. Bending down to your feet is not an option. You will become very creative with angling your legs. This is why your joints loosen up: so that you can actually get dressed in the morning.
4. You're going to waddle. You have no choice in this matter.
5. Your body will just start to do shit, without your permission or knowledge. You will wake up in the morning and all of a sudden see your skin tone has changed from the tone it's always had to an entirely new tone, making your entire makeup collection completely useless. Or you'll be sitting there watching CSI:Miami and your heart will start to pound disturbingly whenever Horatio comes on the screen and you can't for the life of you figure out if it's just coincidence or your messed up hormones coming up with this irrational and frightening reaction.
6. Madonna songs will suddenly make you cry.
7. You will rub your belly. You won't even notice it. It won't be just when you get stabby feet trying to bust their way, alien-like, out of some part of your abdomen, although you'll rub it a lot then too. It will be all the time, absentmindedly. As you walk to the car, as you sit at your desk or on the couch, as you have conversations with increasingly uncomfortable people while you grope your ever expanding girth.
8. Your ass will never be the same. Be thankful I'm not getting in to more detail.
3 things to say:
LOL! All true... except I had the opposite "Tums" reaction. Loved the red, hated the yellow. Also, number 7 happens after you give birth. It was so automatic while I was pregnant that I had to catch myself and stop myself from rubbing the belly after (really, no one wants attention drawn to the POST baby belly).
Even though I can still kinda put socks and shoes on, I can't trim my toenails anymore. But I guess that's what's husbands are for.
I also unconsciously rub the Buddha belly.
And I live in a constant semi-state of constipation. It's definitely not pretty.
adorable! ...wishing I were experiencing all these things first hand ..soon, I hope :)
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